Mourning You
by Pumpkincredible
Summary: James falls in love with Teddy, but when he tells Teddy, things don't turn out how he wishes it would have.. Very, very bad summary, but I think that reading the prologue would help you to understand the whole plot '-'. Sorry for my english, I am french... :x Pairing James x Teddy Victoire x Teddy mentioned .
1. Prologue: Good Mourning

**DISCLAIMER:** _Characters belong to JK Rowling, text in italic belongs to Shonda Rhimes (Grey's Anatomy, 6x01: Good Mourning voice over)._

**MOURNING YOU.  
**

**PROLOGUE : Good Mourning.  
**

_According to Elisabeth Kublev-Ross, when we're dying or have suffured a catastrophic loss, we all move through five disinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can't imagine it's true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we've done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance._

'James ? James, where are you ? We need to talk.', Teddy called through the garden. He was feeling nervous, knowing that the next moments would probably be the worst of his life. But, he had to end this. He couldn't deal with it anymore. He walked through the whole garden, and as they were at the Burrow for another of those Potter-Weasley gathering, it was huge. He finally found James, sitting his back against a tree. He had obviously heard Teddy call, but he didn't make a move. Maybe he already know what was going to happen, but if did, he looked at Teddy anyway, smiling widely at him. Oh god, that wouldn't be so easy if the boy went on smiling like that, thought Teddy. He went to sat next to James, not looking at him. His hair were changing quickly, showing the mess that was in his head.

'So, what's up, Ted ?', asked James carefully. 'What is the thing you wanted to talk to me about ?'.

James was nervous too, Teddy could tell. He must have understood that something was wrong. Before Teddy could pluck up the courage to tell James what was on his mind, James had already began to talk again.

'Is it about us ? Because I noticed we're not what we used to be. I noticed all the things that changed. I'm not blind... I can sense that there's something awkward between us, even though I can quite place what. Or I wish I didn't understand what it was..' He shrugged and sighed. 'Because, you know, I feel it too. We hug ourselves for nothing now, and we're always searching a way to make our body touch. We make sure it lingers when it does. It's not like when we were child, when we just wanted to have the exclusive attention of the other, it's... something more, I guess.'

He passed his hand through his hair, looking away, trying to avoid Teddy's eyes, afraid of what he might see in them. But nothing could stop him now, now that he had endly began to tell what he had felt for months, maybe more. He couldn't quite place when it had began, when he finally became aware of it. He went on.

'I don't know when I understood what it was, what I felt, but it has been a while now. I know you feel it too, even if you had understood much later I think. And.. I'm so afraid of it. I'm afraid I'll fuck everything up, I'm afraid I'am fucking everything up now. But I guess you had to know now, or it would have killed me, you know, all the butterfly in my stomach and all this shit..'

He smiled quickly, then turned to Teddy who was also looking away. Teddy finally made out contact with him, looking as disturb as James was, by the tournure of the events. He didn't come for this, although he had wanted this to happen so many times, he had something to tell James. But James wasn't done and spoke one last sentence, knowing it might bring everything about.

'I think I love you Ted.. and I think you l...'

He couldn't finish his sentence, Teddy's lips were pressed on his. They kissed, with passion, pulling themselves closer, and then Teddy broke the kiss and looked away, his hands shaking.

'James.. I.. I can't do this..'

He could see hurt in James' eyes. What had he been expecting ? Kissing him then telling him you don't want it isn't the best way to make your friendship linger.

'Why ? I don't understand.. What's the problem ?', James snapped.

'I'm.. I'm marrying Victoire...', finally answered Teddy, in a very small voice.

James could feel his heart being torn apart, in a thousand pieces. He felt his head hurt, his heart hurt, everything, as if he was suddendly dying or something. He fought back the tears that had appeared in his eyes.

'Then why kiss me ? Just why ? You two weren't together anymore ! You said she was a bitch for dumping you for this guy, I can't even remember his name ! I don't undestand..'

Teddy tried to put a hand on James shoulder to calm him down, or something like that, he wasn't sure, but the boy broke the contact and stood up, looking really hurt. And it was all Teddy's fault, Teddy knew it. He felt like a monster, even more than when he found out something like five years ago that he was falling in love with James, who was only twelve at the time. But he couldn't do that to James, or to Victoire now. He sighed, trying to think of something to say.

'I.. I actually got back with her two months ago, I thought everyone knew..' It was lame, he knew it. He had deliberately hidden the information from James. 'And I dumped her, because I had feelings for someone else actually. Someone I thought would never return the feelings. I tried to wait for him but..' He bit his lower lips hopping James didn't got what he said, but James had heard it very well.

'Him ? Asked James furiously.

Teddy closed his eyes.

'Yeah, him. He was the best guy I ever knew. He still is, actually. He's smart, he's beautiful, he's funny, he's.. Well, I could go on forever. But seeing nothing was happening, after the signs I gave him, I got back to Victoire, she's not that bad, and the whole family was waiting for this. Well, obviously you didn't wait for it. But..'

He stood up too, facing James now, searching how he could ever explain why he wouldn't just break up with Vic', how it was James he loved all along.

'Shut up, ok ? Just shut up, I don't wanna hear how much you were devastated because this idiot didn't want you back and then run back to your ex-girlfriend who is still in love with you and doesn't even know you're gay !', James shouted.

Luckily, they were far away enough from the house for not being heard by the others. James began to walk away and Teddy grabbed his arms to make him turn around.

'James, wait..'

'No. I don't care, I don't want to care, I don't want to... You just broke my heart.. How do you expected me to react ? You'd thought I just swallow my tears and hug you to celebrate ? Then you were wrong. So now, let me go, please.'

And he just walked away, not listening to Teddy calls.

'It was you, James.. the guy I loved, the one I still love..' murmured Teddy to himself, now crying too. He waited some minutes more then took the ring out of his pocket, headed to the Burrow, to ask Victoire to marry him, making everyone happy – or at least almost everybody. He had given James many opportunities, it was too late now, or at least he wanted to think so.

_Grief may be a thing we all have in common. But, it looks different on everyone. It is't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad, the thing that we have to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe. That's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in it's own time for everyone. In it's own way. So, the best we can do is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief, is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is, that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us. But there are always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance._


	2. Chapter Two: Denial

**DISCLAIMER: **Text in italics: The Writer - Ellie Goulding

**CHAPTER ONE : DENIAL.**

Another gathering from our family, I'm sitting across Teddy, who's sitting next to Victoire, who has her hand on his and look at him as though she was going to eat him or something like that. But I don't want to think about it, not now. We made peace, or acttually I agreed to talk to him again more than we made peace. It's nice having him back in my life, even though I have to watch him playing the perfect couple with my cousin. We told everyone we had a fight, because I was feeling down because I had broke up with my « girlfriend », or more likely the other way round, so I was jealous of him. And they believed it. And now I'm playing the happy part, faking smiles at everybody, while I'm feeling really numb inside. I keep talking, about pretty much everything, to not have the occasion of thinking. And maybe, If I'm convincing enough, I'll also be able to believe it. Believe that nothing had happened, believe that I'm happy to watch Teddy with someone else, believe everything's really back to normal.

_You wait for a silence, I wait for a word. Lie next to your frame, boy unobserved. You change your position and you are changing me. Casting these shadows where they shouldn't be.._

Everyone slowly went to do something else, Adults went for a walk, Victoire sat with Lily and the other girls, talking about her future wedding, I was speaking with Al' and Hugo about quidditch or something like that, and you were listening to, although you did not really take a part in the conversation. It seemed to be a very normal day and I actually began to enjoy it. It was nice, not having to think about my thousand pieces' heart, the way our lips touched, the calm I felt before this storm. Then you stood up, saying you had something to do and that you were going home, you hugged me, and I felt everything falling apart again. All the walls I thought I built around myself to protect me, all the faking I could do, nothing had prevented me to feel so down again. Hugging you and knowing it would never be more, _you _would never be more to me, was just horrible, although you held me a bit longer than you should have. That cheered me up a bit but my heart was still aching.

We're interrupted by the heat of the sun, trying to prevent what's already begun. You're just a body, I can smell your skin and when I feel it, you're wearing thin.

But I said nothing and watched you go. After all, I didn't have something to say. I didn't want to break the semblance of relationship that we have. I wouldn't have been able to bear it. I'm lying on my bed now, thinking. At one moment, I even start drinking, and crying too, but after that, everything's blurry. And when I fell asleep, something kept going in circles in my mind :

_But I've got a plan, why don't you be the artist; and make me out of clay? Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say? Because I'd rather pretend, I'll still be there at the end. Only it's too hard to ask... won't you try to help me ?_

The next time I saw you, you had invited me to come over to your flat. Victoire was out. You had prepared tea, and you had this marvelous grin on your face. My heart couldn't help but skip a beat. We talked a bit about our lives, I faked smiles, pretending to be happy with mine, to be happy for you. I drank tea, nodding and smiling, as you went on talking about how happy you were to have Victoire. And just as I thought I couldn't take it anymore and telling myself « you should be happy to still have him as a friend, you stupid » wasn't enough anymore to calm me down, I noticed that it was just a game you played. You weren't as happy as you pretended to be, and as much as I hated me for this, that cheered me up a bit. Then, you asked :

« Do you want to be my bestman ? »

I remained speechless. Were you really asking me to do what you just asked me to do ? Really ? You tried awkwardly to justify yourself.

« Cause you know, everyone is kinda expecting it and I.. You're like the most important person in my life, Jamie... »

« I will be », I finally said. And you began again to talk about how lucky you were to finally get married. Really, you repeated « lucky » so many times it seemed like you were trying to convince yourself of it. But as I watch you talk, I can't help myself but smile. Because I'm so glad, after all, to be with you, almost as if things were back to normal between us.

_Sat on your sofa...it's all broken springs  
This isn't the place for those violin strings  
I try out a smile and I aim it at you  
You must have missed it  
You always do_

It's the big day. You're getting married today. Hurray... We're all in the church, waiting for the ceremony to begin. I'm standing next to you, you're a little stressed out. Okay, maybe that's an euphemism. You're very stressed out. Almost naturally, I reached for your hand and squeezed it slightly, before letting go. You smiled at me, weakly. I responded with a nervous smile. Then music began, and Victoire began to walk down the aisle.

_But I've got a plan  
Why don't you be the artist; and make me out of clay?  
Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say?  
Because I'd rather pretend  
I'll still be there at the end_

Then I sort of lost track of time. It was as if I was floating in the air, not being a part of the wedding. I wasn't able to distinguished any sound too. I was totally disconected from reality.

« Speak now or be quiet forever ».

It took me back to reality.

And that's when you suddendly turned to me.

_Only it's too hard to ask... won't you try to help me_

You're looking even more nervous than before. As if you expect me to say something. Something to keep you from all this insanity, from all these things you never dreamed about. But I'm feeling too numb to even process something to say. I just stare back at you, mouth open wide.

_You wait, I wait, casting shadows, interrupted_

Victoire has noticed you turned to me. She can't read our mind, but she's not stupid. You're glaring at me, and I'm looking as if I'm about to speak, she has surely noticed that something's going on. She mouthed something to me. It looked like « what the fuck are you doing ? » or maybe « don't you dare fuck up my wedding ». But maybe it was just « fuck fuck fuck fuck », I don't know. The whole room is starting to noticed something is about to happen.

_You wait, I wait, casting shadows, interrupted_

You're still glaring at me. Maybe, I read it wrong. Maybe you're just telling me « don't you dare speak Jamie, don't screw up my life ». Maybe you don't want me to speak. Maybe you don't want to be save. Maybe, I'm made this up, because that's what I would want you to want me to do.

« Excuse me, are you going to say something, or could we go back to the wedding. »

I turned to the man who spoke, then to you again. I breathed in and out.

_You wait, I wait, casting shadows, interrupted_

You're still looking at me, and I don't know what to do. I'm lost, I feel like I can't breathe anymore, I'm going to have a panick attack or something. I want to cry, I feel like I'm crying but my cheeks are dry.

_You wait, I wait, casting shadows_

Finally I speak. « No ». And the whole room sighed with relief. I feel like my whole family is stabbing me with their eyes in the back. Victoire turn her head away from me. You don't. I look at you, my eyes say something like « please. Please, please, please, please. Don't do this. » You finally turn your head away from me. And the speaking begin again, but I'm not listening. I search for the ring when you ask for it, as if it wasn't me that was acting.

_Why don't you be the artist; and make me out of clay?  
Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say?  
Because I'd rather pretend  
I'll still be there at the end  
Only it's too hard to ask... won't you try to help me_

I'm still having trouble to breathe. And that's when it hit me. You won't help me, you won't back away and say you can't do all of this, you won't turned around and come back to me. You've given up on me. You've turned your back to me, you're going your own way. You're starting a new page of your life, a life in which I don't think I can ever fit.

As you reach for the ring, I suddendly let it fall on the floor.

« I'm sorry », I say, « But I can't do it ».

And I run out of the room. Away from you.

_Why don't you be the artist; and make me out of clay?  
Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say?  
Because I'd rather pretend  
I'll still be there at the end  
Only it's too hard to ask... won't you try to help me _


End file.
